Seriously, my shoes!!

Sitting here at quarter to one in the morning, thinking and thinking and, you guessed it, thinking.

Not pleasant thoughts, quite disturbing thoughts actually. What to do, what to do?
I have listened to the voices and observed things about myself.
For instance, I want to cut so I have a shower and make myself clean, wash my hair and de- fluff myself. I make myself acceptable. I make sure that I am ok to cut and that I wont be seen as ugly or dirty if I get it seen to, I make sure that I can go for a few days letting the would heal before I need to shower again.
Oh, The Plans that I have.

I cant be alone in doing that, but then again, I must be. I am alone, always alone, ok, always ok.

I want to cut my chest. I want to cut from breast to breast. I want to get the bad out of there, stop the pain in there.

What does it matter? Its only me, I don't matter.

The voices are getting too much for me, they argue constantly, much like my parents. The voices argue about me, much like my parents.

Stop thinking, just do.

Obliviation, my shoes for obliviation.

Sweet Damnation.

I have, since I last updated, been in hospital.
Murray Royal Hospital to be exact. Yes you guessed it, it's the local nut house!

I had a choice in the matter though, I could go in voluntarily or she could get another Dr and I would be sectioned...

You see, I had admitted to my plans to do something potentially life threatening, suicide. Now that does not automatically mean death, it could be a very badly made plan leaving you feeling very ill and sorry for your self. But I have to admit, I was aiming for death, the sweet illusion of sleep. A sleep that is infinite and pure, a sleep that is undisturbed and restful. Death is a sweetness that brings this chimera to life.

Fall Alice fall, run Alice run.
Quick, catch that elusive white rabbit.

What is your white rabbit Alice, is it the white drugs they give you to knock you out. Or is it innocence and purity?

I was discharged as having a personality disorder, nothing new there, my personality has always been fucked up. Now I have a diagnonsense to put to it and medication to eliminate the extremes of my mood swings. Chlorpromazine. It knocks you out, but I think I am getting used to it as it does not seem to be having the same effect.

When I was in hospital my parents searched my room. They found things that they shouldn't have. They threw all my harming things out, blades, tablets, dressings even my blood soaked towel.
How must they have felt finding that. No matter, it will never be mentioned again, just a packet or razors left out on the counter to let me know that they know. How could they do that to me, how could they betray my trust and search my room?
I can't live here for much longer, I am getting worse living here.

Self destruction, thou art in thine grasp. Do not fear thy presence sweet despair, for unbeknown to thee, thy presence is known well to I.

I want to cut, deep enough to show the hurt inside, to get it out!
I want to cut to make me feel better, to stop the thoughts and voices in my head.
I need to cut to do this. I need to.

The Devils Path shall lead you where is shall wonder then straight into the damnation of Hell which we know as life and the life hereafter.

Human test subject?

Captains log, star-date 141007. Personal log.

Day 2 of recognising something is clearly amiss in my head.
Spent day sleeping and in bed. The natives are restless and displeased that a visitor to their community has done this, apparently this is not the done thing on this world.

I... must... do... better to appease these beings, it is of their grace that I am residing here.

Their natural vegetation is growing and I appear to have been made cook for the village, what duties are expected of me I am unsure, trial and error to find out I assume as we cannot communicate. The natives and I do not share a common language and they seem incapable of understanding sign language.

If only there were some way to convey what happened to bring me to this world. Then I might be able to find out how to get away from these beings and this hostile world. Every move I make is watched and recorded in their records, perhaps I am some sort of human test subject. Perhaps they have not seen such a subject before and they are pushing to see how much I shall take and how I react to extreme duress.

I must go now, the natives are circling....

My life, in shorthand.

Im the only child of a second marriage for my dad. He has other children to his first wife.

Douglas- he adopted his 1W (first wife) baby.
Fiona- died as a baby.
Craig- complete arse!
Kirsty- shes ok. in small doses.
Katrina- complete bitch.
and they have a sister which isn't my fathers but is still related to me.
Iona- she is my cousin.

Im my mums only child, a child she never wanted in the first place, she told me and so have my aunts. I know dad didn't want anymore children. He missed his other children too much and well they couldn't afford me. I had to go to my grans for tea and stay there at the weekends.

Not that I didn't like it, quite the contrary, I loved it and wished I could have stayed there. I was more my grans child than my parents.

I mean have you ever seen your father rock and cry in the corner because he cant see his children, have you called your father the lodger because you don't see him because he is working all of the time to pay for his other children that don't want to see him or you.

The first 8 years of my life were all about them. I knew I had siblings but I hadn't seen them and they didn't want to see me but my dad was killing himself trying to see them and not me. My mum supported him because they are, after all, his children.

I felt like I had to be perfect and get the best grades and look perfect and beautiful to get any attention, I still feel like this and I don't think its some thing that will go away. Probably ingrained with the bullying in primary and in high school. I still feel like nothing I do is good enough, I'm always being compared to them and now that I have dropped out of university they are better than me again.

Also, I have suffered ill health, pretty much all of my life, Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Gallstones- had to have an operation for that, 3 failed attempts and finally got one!, Glandular fever and depression! The IBS and gall stones helped to form my EDNOS as did the bullying about my size from school and family alike.

Anyway, they came back into out lives when I was about 11/13 and that completely fucked my head. My dad continually compared/compares me to them, even now.
He says that they are really fucked up because of what happened, yes their mother is an alcoholic, yes their parents divorced, so yes they are fucked up. I shouldn't be, none of this should affect me should it.
A lot of shit has happened with them but I cant be arse to think about it all. At about 16/7 I was diagnosed with EDNOS, as I am both ana and mia.

My gran died on the 5/5/05 and my aunt a couple of months later. I never said goodbye to my gran. I was going to go and see her on the wednesday, but I had a music exam on the thursday and thought that I would study for that instead and see her on the thursday after my exam. She died on the wednesday night or thursday morning. I never went to see her because I thought an exam was more important, I didn't even sit the exam.

I was raped at 19- a week after my birthday, actually I turned 19 on tuesday, he raped me on sunday, turned to prostitution, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. All the while trying to convince myself that I was straight or at the most bisexual. Anything to convince my parents I was worth their love. Anyway, I recently came out to them, they don't like it, they disapprove of it but they are accepting it. Oh and around this time I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

I suppose when I was raped it confirmed in my head that I was a lesbian. I mean he raped me, forced his penis in my mouth and forced anal sex on me. All the while I was thinking that he could see my scars. Never mind that he was taking my virginity without consent, he could see my scars!

In the september after that april I tried to kill myself by overdose and I had cut my wrists as well. An ambulance was called and so were my parents, they found out about the self harm, but not what happened or what was going on in my head.

I have been kicked off the course I was dong and I have been declared unfit to practice. Cant blame them really, who would want a midwife like me, but that was my life, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Dr thought that I might be Bipolar to sent me for assessment, I had one appt. with a cpn and she and her team and a psych that I have never met decided that I am BPD. So I was discharged with no help as I don't have a long-standing or sever mental illness. Apparently being in and out of A&E with self harm and overdoses and being threatened with sectioning means nothing. Also the manic highs and the suicidal lows, obviously they are just on my head. So at the moment I am waiting until the 29th of october when I have a clinical psychology appt. I was referred by my new Dr who agrees that there is something amiss in my head.

More family issues! Blah Blah Blah.
Love life issues Blah Blah Blah.

Currently I'm living with my parents and trying to hide my self harm and my life issues, trying to get a job or some money. Basically just trying to get better.

I suppose I just needed to get this out of my head.

I'm low just now, as in planning things that aren't good.
I have no interest in cutting or burning my body. But in the end, that makes no difference.

Perfection is....

Wanted
Unattainable
Needed
Non existent

Yet I have a constant struggle, I strive for perfection.
I keep telling myself that perfection does not exist, so why do I try to be it?

Do I have a heart?

How stupid can I be?

I have fallen for someone that I know I have no hope of ever being with. She is married, 13 years older than me and well; I’m me!
Doesn’t matter though, does it? I am just me; I don’t deserve to be loved. She knows how I feel about her, but that makes no difference, I know she loves her wife. For Christ’s sake, she moved halfway around the world to be with her. I can love her until I die, but there will be no difference. I have to accept this, I should move on, but I cant, I am pining over her. She tells me to go out with other girls, to go and have fun but I cant, I feel as though I am cheating- even although I am not.
I wish she could understand. I would love her to understand, but alas she can’t. She loves her wife, not me and I need to accept this. I need to accept that nothing will happen; she is not going to leave the woman she loves for me, a stupid little girl.

I love her so much; I am ready to settle down so I don’t want to sleep around any more. She can’t even talk to me for longer than half an hour just now; I have no idea what I am expecting.

Its not as if she would want to sleep with me either, with my huge disfigured body. Now I have scars in my chest, no one would ever want to see me, far less her.

Yes I have cut again, my sternum and arm. My chest to prove I had a heart- ha-ha. A&E wasn’t a nice experience but hey, I’m not going into that just now.

My new favourite word... delimbment!

I'm not coping too well at the moment, best to start with the truth I suppose.
But at this moment I need to pee, so I shall return as soon as I have!

See, I wasnt that long!

I'm not as low as I have been in this last little while, this is one of my few up days, but I need out of here.

I cant live with my parents anymore, I just cant.
The council waiting lists are huge and I cant even get out of this area to another one as I have no family there. This morning my father came into my room with a first aid kit shouting that I was harming again, ok so I am, but he doesnt need to know that. Then came the great line:

'one day you will go too far and I will be accussed of manslughter!'

Followed by him telling me that my mum is to check my arms and legs now, whopee!

I have the Dr's tomorrow, well the nurse first and the Dr as an after thought. It is to get my wounds checked and things. I dont know what to say. I mean I am doing better now than I have been but its still not great, I recognise that now. But what do I say, 'oh I have been worse but I want you to help me now!'

In a way that makes sense because I am stable enough at the moment to vocalise the problems that I face when I'm so low, before I get that low again.
But I have an un-nerving thought that they wont take me seriously at this point because I'm not bad. Oh the thoughts.
The self harming thoughts are still there, pretty much constantly but I can handle them, I think?

I do have some very graphic urges but I dont know, well at least I dont think I will act on them.
I suppose I'm just plain old depressed just now. Delimbment!!

This still isnt helping me decide what to say tomorrow though...