My life, in shorthand.

Im the only child of a second marriage for my dad. He has other children to his first wife.

Douglas- he adopted his 1W (first wife) baby.
Fiona- died as a baby.
Craig- complete arse!
Kirsty- shes ok. in small doses.
Katrina- complete bitch.
and they have a sister which isn't my fathers but is still related to me.
Iona- she is my cousin.

Im my mums only child, a child she never wanted in the first place, she told me and so have my aunts. I know dad didn't want anymore children. He missed his other children too much and well they couldn't afford me. I had to go to my grans for tea and stay there at the weekends.

Not that I didn't like it, quite the contrary, I loved it and wished I could have stayed there. I was more my grans child than my parents.

I mean have you ever seen your father rock and cry in the corner because he cant see his children, have you called your father the lodger because you don't see him because he is working all of the time to pay for his other children that don't want to see him or you.

The first 8 years of my life were all about them. I knew I had siblings but I hadn't seen them and they didn't want to see me but my dad was killing himself trying to see them and not me. My mum supported him because they are, after all, his children.

I felt like I had to be perfect and get the best grades and look perfect and beautiful to get any attention, I still feel like this and I don't think its some thing that will go away. Probably ingrained with the bullying in primary and in high school. I still feel like nothing I do is good enough, I'm always being compared to them and now that I have dropped out of university they are better than me again.

Also, I have suffered ill health, pretty much all of my life, Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Gallstones- had to have an operation for that, 3 failed attempts and finally got one!, Glandular fever and depression! The IBS and gall stones helped to form my EDNOS as did the bullying about my size from school and family alike.

Anyway, they came back into out lives when I was about 11/13 and that completely fucked my head. My dad continually compared/compares me to them, even now.
He says that they are really fucked up because of what happened, yes their mother is an alcoholic, yes their parents divorced, so yes they are fucked up. I shouldn't be, none of this should affect me should it.
A lot of shit has happened with them but I cant be arse to think about it all. At about 16/7 I was diagnosed with EDNOS, as I am both ana and mia.

My gran died on the 5/5/05 and my aunt a couple of months later. I never said goodbye to my gran. I was going to go and see her on the wednesday, but I had a music exam on the thursday and thought that I would study for that instead and see her on the thursday after my exam. She died on the wednesday night or thursday morning. I never went to see her because I thought an exam was more important, I didn't even sit the exam.

I was raped at 19- a week after my birthday, actually I turned 19 on tuesday, he raped me on sunday, turned to prostitution, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. All the while trying to convince myself that I was straight or at the most bisexual. Anything to convince my parents I was worth their love. Anyway, I recently came out to them, they don't like it, they disapprove of it but they are accepting it. Oh and around this time I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

I suppose when I was raped it confirmed in my head that I was a lesbian. I mean he raped me, forced his penis in my mouth and forced anal sex on me. All the while I was thinking that he could see my scars. Never mind that he was taking my virginity without consent, he could see my scars!

In the september after that april I tried to kill myself by overdose and I had cut my wrists as well. An ambulance was called and so were my parents, they found out about the self harm, but not what happened or what was going on in my head.

I have been kicked off the course I was dong and I have been declared unfit to practice. Cant blame them really, who would want a midwife like me, but that was my life, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Dr thought that I might be Bipolar to sent me for assessment, I had one appt. with a cpn and she and her team and a psych that I have never met decided that I am BPD. So I was discharged with no help as I don't have a long-standing or sever mental illness. Apparently being in and out of A&E with self harm and overdoses and being threatened with sectioning means nothing. Also the manic highs and the suicidal lows, obviously they are just on my head. So at the moment I am waiting until the 29th of october when I have a clinical psychology appt. I was referred by my new Dr who agrees that there is something amiss in my head.

More family issues! Blah Blah Blah.
Love life issues Blah Blah Blah.

Currently I'm living with my parents and trying to hide my self harm and my life issues, trying to get a job or some money. Basically just trying to get better.

I suppose I just needed to get this out of my head.

I'm low just now, as in planning things that aren't good.
I have no interest in cutting or burning my body. But in the end, that makes no difference.