je manqué vous

Yup, I'm back from France. As if you couldnt tell.

I hold my hands up and admit that even though I hated the idea of going, I did actually have a great time.
I spoke and remembered french that I never even knew that I knew! Mrs Smith would be proud, they even understood what I was trying to say! *passes out*

I have a french boyfriend as well! not quite sure how that happened, Bernard is about 60 but he is funny and does not speak a word of english. I got a gift from him as well, a little wooden pot, makes sense as he is a wood turner!

Though I even managed to get a girlfriend, she was in her 40's and her son is older than me!! hahahaha.

The leg didn't fare to well with the journey, swollen to twice its normal size and it is infected. The smell is horrible, but hey, what can you do?

Oh and I am posting this from my brand new MacBook! It arrived the day I left. Sod's law.

Parle vous francais?

Yes, my dear fellow asylum needers, it is time for me to, indeed, leave for France!

Well at half past eight, not half past two in the morning, but you get the idea, I hope. Either that or I am going to have to start using single syllable words, if you you dont underdstand that- it means really small and easy!

What was I rambling about?

Ah yes, France. I don't want to go really, but I'm driving and translating pour mon pere, see how I done that, just slipped a lil french in there. Did that impress you? Well I hope that the french can understand what I want to say.

Its going to be a lot of fun with, what with my fucked up leg and that.

Ah yes, I went to the Dr's yesterday, she hadn't yet received my notes but guess what!?


No! come one, try harder!



Closer!



Yup that's it! She is rushing my notes through and referring me to the clinical psychology bit! I didnt even manage to tell her half of whats going on in my head, so that somewhat worries me.

If that is what she is doing for what she knows, without reading my notes, what would she have done if she had read my notes and I had managed to tell her everything!
I was meant to go and see the nurse today, to check my wounds, but I couldnt make it. Dad wanted me to do some work for him, just at the time of the appt and no, I couldnt do it at anyother time, or half an hour later, it had to be then!

Ah well. At least I have my Dr's appt when I get back.

Living with my family is making me worse I think, but there is no concievable way for me to move out at the moment, yay me!

Suppose I should bugger off and get some sleep.

My shoes for a simple life.

I want to cut.

Simple.

I want to cover my leg in cuts and scars. I want to cut deep,I want to see bone, I want to bleed, I want to cause a huge blood loss.I don't have any real reason to want to do it, I just do.

Things arent simple to do it though. I am currently living with family and they dont know about my self harm, disappearing in the middle of the night to get wounds seen to would be extremly difficult to explain. Though there is no real reason to get them seen to.I suppose it doesnt matter, its just me.
I'm not worth anything, my family dont care about me, I certainly dont care about myself and the person that has supposed feelings for me cant care about me.Ok, so there may be a reason for my wanting to cut so severely.

Feeling the above with one of my lovely low (read, cant get out of bed, not eating and 'depressed') moods is just not helping me get over the feeling.

I'm not sure why I am telling anybody.
What am I looking for, permission to harm, some advice on how to get around the issues if I do it, 'Oh if you do this or that you will be able to hide stitches from your family and still look like you arent a self harmer!'. Some how I don't think so.

I just need to get it out.

Life is hard at the moment, I just want to cry all the time and bang on cue, suicidal ideation comes along.

Its not like I have anything planned, I just think about it, about not waking up. Mind you, that means leaving my shoes.

Thinking is bad!

Today I have been pondering about things, its a dangerous thing I know.

But none the less I decided that I should risk it, just this once for experimentation. I have been thinking about self harm for one thing. What do I get out of it now? I hardly do it anymore so why do I still have the tools to harm and most importantly the inclination to do it at times?

The quantity of my harming has significantly reduced but the harming in its self has got deeper, worse, if you will. This seems to worry people and I cant figure out why. I very rarely self harm anymore and if I happen to, its just one rather large one, surely that is better. But apparently not, I just don't understand it.

I suppose I only harm when I feel it is the only thing I can do, and no amount of 'distraction' works and I cant talk it out. I can live with that just now, I'm in no immediate danger by living like this. I think.

There are things going on in my head that I truly don't understand, I have been living a lie for so many years now I don't know where the mask ends and I begin anymore. I don't believe there is a true me anymore.

My mood has been exceptionally low for the last few weeks, to the point of I had my suicide planned and almost acted on it. If it hadn't been for a kick up the arse by Vivien and her doing what she done, I may not have been here to write this. That worries me. I no longer have Vivien as my counsellor, I no longer have any form of support at the moment. What is going to happen when I get to that point again, and that is inevitable.

My mood is so low just now, all I want to do is stagnate, lie there and rot. I'm not actively suicidal but the ideation is there. I'm so numb to the world, until I break down and cry, or throw myself at a wall.

I don't feel I can cope any more.