Is that all?

Numb. Thats it, I am just numb.

Where for art thou sleep?

An inability to sleep, known as insomnia.

I am suffering from this; I have taken the magic little tablet that is meant to knock me out, yet here I am, wide-awake.

Why does your body decide that it doesn’t need sleep?
Why does it torment you by leaving you feeling tired but not able to fall asleep?
Why is the medication not sending me to sleep?

A full family packed day awaits me and I can’t sleep, not even the sky looks inviting tonight, actually- nothing looking inviting.

I think the drugs are numbing me to the world. That would be fine; IF I WAS SLEEPING! The lack of sleep makes you do stupid things; well being me makes me do stupid things, but lack of sleep even more so.

I am numb to the world, to the Devils Path.

Long night.

Cancel trip to Ann Summers, pity, that would have been funny with Gran and Rhoda.

I'm not going to take my meds tonight otherwise I will never be able to get up for Dr.s.
Here starts the long battle through the night.

Will she make it?

Don't let the animal out.

I am typing here in hopes that my hands wont do anything stupid.

For instance my hands are aching to do damage to myself.
It seem that I can cope for so long without harming, then I explode and I have to do it. I cant cope if I don't do it, I can't stop thinking about it and I am so agitated, even on the medication!

I am doing the things I do to distract myself, I am trying to talk to people but I just cant admit to needing help from them so I just annoy them, I am researching things on the internet, I am reading complicated things to make my brain work and distract it from 'the thoughts'.

Its 20 to 3pm, thats not enough time. I cant cut and get stitches and be back in time for my parents and act as though nothing has happened. Perhaps I don't need the stitches.

Surly it isn't ok to want to be raped again.

To have the yearning, the desire for a man to do that to you again.

I opened up about it to one of the nurses in hospital, she said that though she wasn't qualified in that area she thought it was about control. To be able to control what happens instead of just laying there, instead of letting him do those things to me, I would have an element of control if its what I wanted. Even more so since I am a lesbian. The sense of control appears to be a strong driving force with me.

That does make sense to me but if it is about control why can't I just go out and sleep with a man. Thats control isn't it?

Then I think about the people I have hurt. Yes I HAVE hurt these people and it kills me to think that I have inflicted pain. I have upset people just by being me. Thats a typical BPD thing to say isn't it?
I am not a nice person so I need to hurt, need to feel some of the pain that I have caused others, need to get the bad out.

I cant even be my usual jokey self now. Perhaps they should readmit me with a DNR, Do Not Let Out, Don't Feed the Animal!

Seriously, my shoes!!

Sitting here at quarter to one in the morning, thinking and thinking and, you guessed it, thinking.

Not pleasant thoughts, quite disturbing thoughts actually. What to do, what to do?
I have listened to the voices and observed things about myself.
For instance, I want to cut so I have a shower and make myself clean, wash my hair and de- fluff myself. I make myself acceptable. I make sure that I am ok to cut and that I wont be seen as ugly or dirty if I get it seen to, I make sure that I can go for a few days letting the would heal before I need to shower again.
Oh, The Plans that I have.

I cant be alone in doing that, but then again, I must be. I am alone, always alone, ok, always ok.

I want to cut my chest. I want to cut from breast to breast. I want to get the bad out of there, stop the pain in there.

What does it matter? Its only me, I don't matter.

The voices are getting too much for me, they argue constantly, much like my parents. The voices argue about me, much like my parents.

Stop thinking, just do.

Obliviation, my shoes for obliviation.

Sweet Damnation.

I have, since I last updated, been in hospital.
Murray Royal Hospital to be exact. Yes you guessed it, it's the local nut house!

I had a choice in the matter though, I could go in voluntarily or she could get another Dr and I would be sectioned...

You see, I had admitted to my plans to do something potentially life threatening, suicide. Now that does not automatically mean death, it could be a very badly made plan leaving you feeling very ill and sorry for your self. But I have to admit, I was aiming for death, the sweet illusion of sleep. A sleep that is infinite and pure, a sleep that is undisturbed and restful. Death is a sweetness that brings this chimera to life.

Fall Alice fall, run Alice run.
Quick, catch that elusive white rabbit.

What is your white rabbit Alice, is it the white drugs they give you to knock you out. Or is it innocence and purity?

I was discharged as having a personality disorder, nothing new there, my personality has always been fucked up. Now I have a diagnonsense to put to it and medication to eliminate the extremes of my mood swings. Chlorpromazine. It knocks you out, but I think I am getting used to it as it does not seem to be having the same effect.

When I was in hospital my parents searched my room. They found things that they shouldn't have. They threw all my harming things out, blades, tablets, dressings even my blood soaked towel.
How must they have felt finding that. No matter, it will never be mentioned again, just a packet or razors left out on the counter to let me know that they know. How could they do that to me, how could they betray my trust and search my room?
I can't live here for much longer, I am getting worse living here.

Self destruction, thou art in thine grasp. Do not fear thy presence sweet despair, for unbeknown to thee, thy presence is known well to I.

I want to cut, deep enough to show the hurt inside, to get it out!
I want to cut to make me feel better, to stop the thoughts and voices in my head.
I need to cut to do this. I need to.

The Devils Path shall lead you where is shall wonder then straight into the damnation of Hell which we know as life and the life hereafter.

Human test subject?

Captains log, star-date 141007. Personal log.

Day 2 of recognising something is clearly amiss in my head.
Spent day sleeping and in bed. The natives are restless and displeased that a visitor to their community has done this, apparently this is not the done thing on this world.

I... must... do... better to appease these beings, it is of their grace that I am residing here.

Their natural vegetation is growing and I appear to have been made cook for the village, what duties are expected of me I am unsure, trial and error to find out I assume as we cannot communicate. The natives and I do not share a common language and they seem incapable of understanding sign language.

If only there were some way to convey what happened to bring me to this world. Then I might be able to find out how to get away from these beings and this hostile world. Every move I make is watched and recorded in their records, perhaps I am some sort of human test subject. Perhaps they have not seen such a subject before and they are pushing to see how much I shall take and how I react to extreme duress.

I must go now, the natives are circling....

My life, in shorthand.

Im the only child of a second marriage for my dad. He has other children to his first wife.

Douglas- he adopted his 1W (first wife) baby.
Fiona- died as a baby.
Craig- complete arse!
Kirsty- shes ok. in small doses.
Katrina- complete bitch.
and they have a sister which isn't my fathers but is still related to me.
Iona- she is my cousin.

Im my mums only child, a child she never wanted in the first place, she told me and so have my aunts. I know dad didn't want anymore children. He missed his other children too much and well they couldn't afford me. I had to go to my grans for tea and stay there at the weekends.

Not that I didn't like it, quite the contrary, I loved it and wished I could have stayed there. I was more my grans child than my parents.

I mean have you ever seen your father rock and cry in the corner because he cant see his children, have you called your father the lodger because you don't see him because he is working all of the time to pay for his other children that don't want to see him or you.

The first 8 years of my life were all about them. I knew I had siblings but I hadn't seen them and they didn't want to see me but my dad was killing himself trying to see them and not me. My mum supported him because they are, after all, his children.

I felt like I had to be perfect and get the best grades and look perfect and beautiful to get any attention, I still feel like this and I don't think its some thing that will go away. Probably ingrained with the bullying in primary and in high school. I still feel like nothing I do is good enough, I'm always being compared to them and now that I have dropped out of university they are better than me again.

Also, I have suffered ill health, pretty much all of my life, Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Gallstones- had to have an operation for that, 3 failed attempts and finally got one!, Glandular fever and depression! The IBS and gall stones helped to form my EDNOS as did the bullying about my size from school and family alike.

Anyway, they came back into out lives when I was about 11/13 and that completely fucked my head. My dad continually compared/compares me to them, even now.
He says that they are really fucked up because of what happened, yes their mother is an alcoholic, yes their parents divorced, so yes they are fucked up. I shouldn't be, none of this should affect me should it.
A lot of shit has happened with them but I cant be arse to think about it all. At about 16/7 I was diagnosed with EDNOS, as I am both ana and mia.

My gran died on the 5/5/05 and my aunt a couple of months later. I never said goodbye to my gran. I was going to go and see her on the wednesday, but I had a music exam on the thursday and thought that I would study for that instead and see her on the thursday after my exam. She died on the wednesday night or thursday morning. I never went to see her because I thought an exam was more important, I didn't even sit the exam.

I was raped at 19- a week after my birthday, actually I turned 19 on tuesday, he raped me on sunday, turned to prostitution, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. All the while trying to convince myself that I was straight or at the most bisexual. Anything to convince my parents I was worth their love. Anyway, I recently came out to them, they don't like it, they disapprove of it but they are accepting it. Oh and around this time I was diagnosed with clinical depression.

I suppose when I was raped it confirmed in my head that I was a lesbian. I mean he raped me, forced his penis in my mouth and forced anal sex on me. All the while I was thinking that he could see my scars. Never mind that he was taking my virginity without consent, he could see my scars!

In the september after that april I tried to kill myself by overdose and I had cut my wrists as well. An ambulance was called and so were my parents, they found out about the self harm, but not what happened or what was going on in my head.

I have been kicked off the course I was dong and I have been declared unfit to practice. Cant blame them really, who would want a midwife like me, but that was my life, my reason for getting up in the morning.

Dr thought that I might be Bipolar to sent me for assessment, I had one appt. with a cpn and she and her team and a psych that I have never met decided that I am BPD. So I was discharged with no help as I don't have a long-standing or sever mental illness. Apparently being in and out of A&E with self harm and overdoses and being threatened with sectioning means nothing. Also the manic highs and the suicidal lows, obviously they are just on my head. So at the moment I am waiting until the 29th of october when I have a clinical psychology appt. I was referred by my new Dr who agrees that there is something amiss in my head.

More family issues! Blah Blah Blah.
Love life issues Blah Blah Blah.

Currently I'm living with my parents and trying to hide my self harm and my life issues, trying to get a job or some money. Basically just trying to get better.

I suppose I just needed to get this out of my head.

I'm low just now, as in planning things that aren't good.
I have no interest in cutting or burning my body. But in the end, that makes no difference.

Perfection is....

Wanted
Unattainable
Needed
Non existent

Yet I have a constant struggle, I strive for perfection.
I keep telling myself that perfection does not exist, so why do I try to be it?

Do I have a heart?

How stupid can I be?

I have fallen for someone that I know I have no hope of ever being with. She is married, 13 years older than me and well; I’m me!
Doesn’t matter though, does it? I am just me; I don’t deserve to be loved. She knows how I feel about her, but that makes no difference, I know she loves her wife. For Christ’s sake, she moved halfway around the world to be with her. I can love her until I die, but there will be no difference. I have to accept this, I should move on, but I cant, I am pining over her. She tells me to go out with other girls, to go and have fun but I cant, I feel as though I am cheating- even although I am not.
I wish she could understand. I would love her to understand, but alas she can’t. She loves her wife, not me and I need to accept this. I need to accept that nothing will happen; she is not going to leave the woman she loves for me, a stupid little girl.

I love her so much; I am ready to settle down so I don’t want to sleep around any more. She can’t even talk to me for longer than half an hour just now; I have no idea what I am expecting.

Its not as if she would want to sleep with me either, with my huge disfigured body. Now I have scars in my chest, no one would ever want to see me, far less her.

Yes I have cut again, my sternum and arm. My chest to prove I had a heart- ha-ha. A&E wasn’t a nice experience but hey, I’m not going into that just now.

My new favourite word... delimbment!

I'm not coping too well at the moment, best to start with the truth I suppose.
But at this moment I need to pee, so I shall return as soon as I have!

See, I wasnt that long!

I'm not as low as I have been in this last little while, this is one of my few up days, but I need out of here.

I cant live with my parents anymore, I just cant.
The council waiting lists are huge and I cant even get out of this area to another one as I have no family there. This morning my father came into my room with a first aid kit shouting that I was harming again, ok so I am, but he doesnt need to know that. Then came the great line:

'one day you will go too far and I will be accussed of manslughter!'

Followed by him telling me that my mum is to check my arms and legs now, whopee!

I have the Dr's tomorrow, well the nurse first and the Dr as an after thought. It is to get my wounds checked and things. I dont know what to say. I mean I am doing better now than I have been but its still not great, I recognise that now. But what do I say, 'oh I have been worse but I want you to help me now!'

In a way that makes sense because I am stable enough at the moment to vocalise the problems that I face when I'm so low, before I get that low again.
But I have an un-nerving thought that they wont take me seriously at this point because I'm not bad. Oh the thoughts.
The self harming thoughts are still there, pretty much constantly but I can handle them, I think?

I do have some very graphic urges but I dont know, well at least I dont think I will act on them.
I suppose I'm just plain old depressed just now. Delimbment!!

This still isnt helping me decide what to say tomorrow though...

je manqué vous

Yup, I'm back from France. As if you couldnt tell.

I hold my hands up and admit that even though I hated the idea of going, I did actually have a great time.
I spoke and remembered french that I never even knew that I knew! Mrs Smith would be proud, they even understood what I was trying to say! *passes out*

I have a french boyfriend as well! not quite sure how that happened, Bernard is about 60 but he is funny and does not speak a word of english. I got a gift from him as well, a little wooden pot, makes sense as he is a wood turner!

Though I even managed to get a girlfriend, she was in her 40's and her son is older than me!! hahahaha.

The leg didn't fare to well with the journey, swollen to twice its normal size and it is infected. The smell is horrible, but hey, what can you do?

Oh and I am posting this from my brand new MacBook! It arrived the day I left. Sod's law.

Parle vous francais?

Yes, my dear fellow asylum needers, it is time for me to, indeed, leave for France!

Well at half past eight, not half past two in the morning, but you get the idea, I hope. Either that or I am going to have to start using single syllable words, if you you dont underdstand that- it means really small and easy!

What was I rambling about?

Ah yes, France. I don't want to go really, but I'm driving and translating pour mon pere, see how I done that, just slipped a lil french in there. Did that impress you? Well I hope that the french can understand what I want to say.

Its going to be a lot of fun with, what with my fucked up leg and that.

Ah yes, I went to the Dr's yesterday, she hadn't yet received my notes but guess what!?


No! come one, try harder!



Closer!



Yup that's it! She is rushing my notes through and referring me to the clinical psychology bit! I didnt even manage to tell her half of whats going on in my head, so that somewhat worries me.

If that is what she is doing for what she knows, without reading my notes, what would she have done if she had read my notes and I had managed to tell her everything!
I was meant to go and see the nurse today, to check my wounds, but I couldnt make it. Dad wanted me to do some work for him, just at the time of the appt and no, I couldnt do it at anyother time, or half an hour later, it had to be then!

Ah well. At least I have my Dr's appt when I get back.

Living with my family is making me worse I think, but there is no concievable way for me to move out at the moment, yay me!

Suppose I should bugger off and get some sleep.

My shoes for a simple life.

I want to cut.

Simple.

I want to cover my leg in cuts and scars. I want to cut deep,I want to see bone, I want to bleed, I want to cause a huge blood loss.I don't have any real reason to want to do it, I just do.

Things arent simple to do it though. I am currently living with family and they dont know about my self harm, disappearing in the middle of the night to get wounds seen to would be extremly difficult to explain. Though there is no real reason to get them seen to.I suppose it doesnt matter, its just me.
I'm not worth anything, my family dont care about me, I certainly dont care about myself and the person that has supposed feelings for me cant care about me.Ok, so there may be a reason for my wanting to cut so severely.

Feeling the above with one of my lovely low (read, cant get out of bed, not eating and 'depressed') moods is just not helping me get over the feeling.

I'm not sure why I am telling anybody.
What am I looking for, permission to harm, some advice on how to get around the issues if I do it, 'Oh if you do this or that you will be able to hide stitches from your family and still look like you arent a self harmer!'. Some how I don't think so.

I just need to get it out.

Life is hard at the moment, I just want to cry all the time and bang on cue, suicidal ideation comes along.

Its not like I have anything planned, I just think about it, about not waking up. Mind you, that means leaving my shoes.

Thinking is bad!

Today I have been pondering about things, its a dangerous thing I know.

But none the less I decided that I should risk it, just this once for experimentation. I have been thinking about self harm for one thing. What do I get out of it now? I hardly do it anymore so why do I still have the tools to harm and most importantly the inclination to do it at times?

The quantity of my harming has significantly reduced but the harming in its self has got deeper, worse, if you will. This seems to worry people and I cant figure out why. I very rarely self harm anymore and if I happen to, its just one rather large one, surely that is better. But apparently not, I just don't understand it.

I suppose I only harm when I feel it is the only thing I can do, and no amount of 'distraction' works and I cant talk it out. I can live with that just now, I'm in no immediate danger by living like this. I think.

There are things going on in my head that I truly don't understand, I have been living a lie for so many years now I don't know where the mask ends and I begin anymore. I don't believe there is a true me anymore.

My mood has been exceptionally low for the last few weeks, to the point of I had my suicide planned and almost acted on it. If it hadn't been for a kick up the arse by Vivien and her doing what she done, I may not have been here to write this. That worries me. I no longer have Vivien as my counsellor, I no longer have any form of support at the moment. What is going to happen when I get to that point again, and that is inevitable.

My mood is so low just now, all I want to do is stagnate, lie there and rot. I'm not actively suicidal but the ideation is there. I'm so numb to the world, until I break down and cry, or throw myself at a wall.

I don't feel I can cope any more.

BPD versus Bipolar

Well, another day another moan.

Today I have managed to get diagnonsensed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Ohhhhh, I hear you all ohhhh in unison, no don't ohhhhh. I am not best pleased with this diagnonsense for the reasons of my moan tonight.

1. The psychiatrist that diagnosed this disorder has never seen me. He is going on an old query by a one off assessment made by someone else and the notes that a CPN took- also only in one appointment.

2. This has to be one of the most over looked diagnoses made by health 'professionals'. For example, the CPN told me what she and 'her team' had decided was wrong with me, gave me a print out from MIND , proceeded to tell me that I would not be receiving any further care from 'her team' as they were for longstanding and severe mental health problems. That means for me I have no counsellor, no CPN, no GP and no shrink!

3. I am exactly where I was 2 years ago except I now have this diagnonsense over my head and a hell of a lot more scars on my body.

4. Apparently the reason people have thought that I am mentally ill is because BPD mimics Bipolar, not because I have a mental illness. That would be too easy!

5. BPD does not appear to explain my manic moods or the fact that my manic moods and my 'low' moods last for anything from a week to months, well months for 'low'; weeks for manic. BPD sufferers, like me, suffer these mood swings daily, hourly but it does not persist like mines. On a day to day basis if I am not in an 'episode' my mood swings, but if I am in an 'episode' my mood is static in that particular mood.

There are so many reasons for me to moan tonight, seriously I could go on all night but I am quite positive that of the few of you that have not fallen asleep or off your chairs are about ready to do so.

So I shall leave you with my thought of the day:

It is said that we have the same amount of hair follicles per square inch as monkeys, so does that mean that hairy men are just educated monkeys?

Musings of a Sunday morn.

Well, here I am.
4am on a Sunday morning and I find myself wondering, not only why am I still awake, but also should I get out of bed for that pee that I have been needing for about an hour?

I think that can be answered by you witnessing the fact that I am currently sitting in my bed writting this!

Have you ever wondered why you do certain things, I mean someone asks you not to do something yet you do it anyway. Do you think you do it because you seek the adrenalin, or because you like getting in trouble, you dont know why you dont it or you are just a complete bitch. At the moment I am siding with being a bitch. I feel it is my true calling, well my calling is certainly not being a nun so I may as well enjoy life!

Also, have you ever noticed that life seems so much calmer and easier at 4am. Its as though the indigo of the skys qualm the beasts rising within you, within humanity. Everyone is alseep, apart from the idiotic few that are lucky enough to get to witness the indigo skys.

I like the silhouette of the trees against the purple awash with blue horizon, its a lovely feeling of tranquillity. You never seem to get that feeling at any other time, you always find reasons for your life to be chaotic, apart from at 4am with the indigo heavens above you.

Perhaps more of us should become nocturnal, but then that might ruin this, this small piece of ecstasy, this rapture, this indigo sky.