Perfection is....

Wanted
Unattainable
Needed
Non existent

Yet I have a constant struggle, I strive for perfection.
I keep telling myself that perfection does not exist, so why do I try to be it?

Do I have a heart?

How stupid can I be?

I have fallen for someone that I know I have no hope of ever being with. She is married, 13 years older than me and well; I’m me!
Doesn’t matter though, does it? I am just me; I don’t deserve to be loved. She knows how I feel about her, but that makes no difference, I know she loves her wife. For Christ’s sake, she moved halfway around the world to be with her. I can love her until I die, but there will be no difference. I have to accept this, I should move on, but I cant, I am pining over her. She tells me to go out with other girls, to go and have fun but I cant, I feel as though I am cheating- even although I am not.
I wish she could understand. I would love her to understand, but alas she can’t. She loves her wife, not me and I need to accept this. I need to accept that nothing will happen; she is not going to leave the woman she loves for me, a stupid little girl.

I love her so much; I am ready to settle down so I don’t want to sleep around any more. She can’t even talk to me for longer than half an hour just now; I have no idea what I am expecting.

Its not as if she would want to sleep with me either, with my huge disfigured body. Now I have scars in my chest, no one would ever want to see me, far less her.

Yes I have cut again, my sternum and arm. My chest to prove I had a heart- ha-ha. A&E wasn’t a nice experience but hey, I’m not going into that just now.

My new favourite word... delimbment!

I'm not coping too well at the moment, best to start with the truth I suppose.
But at this moment I need to pee, so I shall return as soon as I have!

See, I wasnt that long!

I'm not as low as I have been in this last little while, this is one of my few up days, but I need out of here.

I cant live with my parents anymore, I just cant.
The council waiting lists are huge and I cant even get out of this area to another one as I have no family there. This morning my father came into my room with a first aid kit shouting that I was harming again, ok so I am, but he doesnt need to know that. Then came the great line:

'one day you will go too far and I will be accussed of manslughter!'

Followed by him telling me that my mum is to check my arms and legs now, whopee!

I have the Dr's tomorrow, well the nurse first and the Dr as an after thought. It is to get my wounds checked and things. I dont know what to say. I mean I am doing better now than I have been but its still not great, I recognise that now. But what do I say, 'oh I have been worse but I want you to help me now!'

In a way that makes sense because I am stable enough at the moment to vocalise the problems that I face when I'm so low, before I get that low again.
But I have an un-nerving thought that they wont take me seriously at this point because I'm not bad. Oh the thoughts.
The self harming thoughts are still there, pretty much constantly but I can handle them, I think?

I do have some very graphic urges but I dont know, well at least I dont think I will act on them.
I suppose I'm just plain old depressed just now. Delimbment!!

This still isnt helping me decide what to say tomorrow though...