My shoes for a simple life.

I want to cut.

Simple.

I want to cover my leg in cuts and scars. I want to cut deep,I want to see bone, I want to bleed, I want to cause a huge blood loss.I don't have any real reason to want to do it, I just do.

Things arent simple to do it though. I am currently living with family and they dont know about my self harm, disappearing in the middle of the night to get wounds seen to would be extremly difficult to explain. Though there is no real reason to get them seen to.I suppose it doesnt matter, its just me.
I'm not worth anything, my family dont care about me, I certainly dont care about myself and the person that has supposed feelings for me cant care about me.Ok, so there may be a reason for my wanting to cut so severely.

Feeling the above with one of my lovely low (read, cant get out of bed, not eating and 'depressed') moods is just not helping me get over the feeling.

I'm not sure why I am telling anybody.
What am I looking for, permission to harm, some advice on how to get around the issues if I do it, 'Oh if you do this or that you will be able to hide stitches from your family and still look like you arent a self harmer!'. Some how I don't think so.

I just need to get it out.

Life is hard at the moment, I just want to cry all the time and bang on cue, suicidal ideation comes along.

Its not like I have anything planned, I just think about it, about not waking up. Mind you, that means leaving my shoes.