Thinking is bad!

Today I have been pondering about things, its a dangerous thing I know.

But none the less I decided that I should risk it, just this once for experimentation. I have been thinking about self harm for one thing. What do I get out of it now? I hardly do it anymore so why do I still have the tools to harm and most importantly the inclination to do it at times?

The quantity of my harming has significantly reduced but the harming in its self has got deeper, worse, if you will. This seems to worry people and I cant figure out why. I very rarely self harm anymore and if I happen to, its just one rather large one, surely that is better. But apparently not, I just don't understand it.

I suppose I only harm when I feel it is the only thing I can do, and no amount of 'distraction' works and I cant talk it out. I can live with that just now, I'm in no immediate danger by living like this. I think.

There are things going on in my head that I truly don't understand, I have been living a lie for so many years now I don't know where the mask ends and I begin anymore. I don't believe there is a true me anymore.

My mood has been exceptionally low for the last few weeks, to the point of I had my suicide planned and almost acted on it. If it hadn't been for a kick up the arse by Vivien and her doing what she done, I may not have been here to write this. That worries me. I no longer have Vivien as my counsellor, I no longer have any form of support at the moment. What is going to happen when I get to that point again, and that is inevitable.

My mood is so low just now, all I want to do is stagnate, lie there and rot. I'm not actively suicidal but the ideation is there. I'm so numb to the world, until I break down and cry, or throw myself at a wall.

I don't feel I can cope any more.