Do I have a heart?

How stupid can I be?

I have fallen for someone that I know I have no hope of ever being with. She is married, 13 years older than me and well; I’m me!
Doesn’t matter though, does it? I am just me; I don’t deserve to be loved. She knows how I feel about her, but that makes no difference, I know she loves her wife. For Christ’s sake, she moved halfway around the world to be with her. I can love her until I die, but there will be no difference. I have to accept this, I should move on, but I cant, I am pining over her. She tells me to go out with other girls, to go and have fun but I cant, I feel as though I am cheating- even although I am not.
I wish she could understand. I would love her to understand, but alas she can’t. She loves her wife, not me and I need to accept this. I need to accept that nothing will happen; she is not going to leave the woman she loves for me, a stupid little girl.

I love her so much; I am ready to settle down so I don’t want to sleep around any more. She can’t even talk to me for longer than half an hour just now; I have no idea what I am expecting.

Its not as if she would want to sleep with me either, with my huge disfigured body. Now I have scars in my chest, no one would ever want to see me, far less her.

Yes I have cut again, my sternum and arm. My chest to prove I had a heart- ha-ha. A&E wasn’t a nice experience but hey, I’m not going into that just now.