Don't let the animal out.

I am typing here in hopes that my hands wont do anything stupid.

For instance my hands are aching to do damage to myself.
It seem that I can cope for so long without harming, then I explode and I have to do it. I cant cope if I don't do it, I can't stop thinking about it and I am so agitated, even on the medication!

I am doing the things I do to distract myself, I am trying to talk to people but I just cant admit to needing help from them so I just annoy them, I am researching things on the internet, I am reading complicated things to make my brain work and distract it from 'the thoughts'.

Its 20 to 3pm, thats not enough time. I cant cut and get stitches and be back in time for my parents and act as though nothing has happened. Perhaps I don't need the stitches.

Surly it isn't ok to want to be raped again.

To have the yearning, the desire for a man to do that to you again.

I opened up about it to one of the nurses in hospital, she said that though she wasn't qualified in that area she thought it was about control. To be able to control what happens instead of just laying there, instead of letting him do those things to me, I would have an element of control if its what I wanted. Even more so since I am a lesbian. The sense of control appears to be a strong driving force with me.

That does make sense to me but if it is about control why can't I just go out and sleep with a man. Thats control isn't it?

Then I think about the people I have hurt. Yes I HAVE hurt these people and it kills me to think that I have inflicted pain. I have upset people just by being me. Thats a typical BPD thing to say isn't it?
I am not a nice person so I need to hurt, need to feel some of the pain that I have caused others, need to get the bad out.

I cant even be my usual jokey self now. Perhaps they should readmit me with a DNR, Do Not Let Out, Don't Feed the Animal!